NEW YORK—Urging passersby to avoid the area until the job could be completed, members of the NYPD warned onlookers Tuesday not to enter an active crime scene cover-up. “We can’t have civilians in here mucking up all our hard work by serving as potential witnesses,” said patrolman Allen Banker, directing pedestrians to move across the street where they wouldn’t accidentally tamper with the narrative carefully constructed by the police department. “Let’s move it on, folks—nothing to see here except a routine, run-of-the-mill infringement of justice. I assure you we’re all professionals, so just let us get back to work.” At press time, Banker reported that a crazed, violent onlooker had to be gunned down by the police after seeing too much.
